2007] Prelude to Suicide
You've probably already guessed what I did, but to congratulate your answer with a confirmation, yes, I said I think Jemai's “simple and clean” concept is all fine by me, and that I am backing out of the committee for my computer can no longer handle other editing programs other than Adobe Photoshop aside from having no more available disk space
[THESE VIOLENTLY DISTURBING CONFESSIONS WERE WRITTEN BEFORE I HAD A LEGAL NAME CHANGE TO PABLO BANILA]
[These were letters sent back to the Philippines regarding matters of my high school ... matters I had decidedly tried to cleanse from my life until a catastrophic crime in Cinema - some "award-winning" famous director made a blockbuster movie about our high school AND FUCK WHAT THE FUCK oh GOD - well, Nostalgia fucks you hard once you turn your back. And you'll enjoy it so much you'll fuck back.]
[The recipients of these mails had not heard from me for years, years after having left for America.]
[I'll edit this later and highlight the most curiously maniacal mindynamites and honest expressions of loneliness I wish I could still churn as beautifully ...]
Puede pa ba?
I'm still sending the money otherwise … I really feel like a bastard, having no idea how to thank your dedication to this thus deluding myself that exchanging thanks from the heart's currency to THANK $ xxx ($ xxx actually. Hehe. I mean, for art's sake, c'mon!) would chip the boulder of guilt over my shoulders.
I've been planning to donate all along, but I also wanted a spread although I had to collect enough pictures - and I didn't have any - before I could be sure. I'm ready, and just now.
Could you please tell me ASAP? And I also want to help the layout department, maybe a little bit. I've also been extremely busy before, and I'm still busy now but I can be extremely busy by adding that little bit of work and survive it (:
Also, I want to remain anonymous with the payment. No, it's not martyrdom; my friends have no idea this is coming, and I want it to be a much bigger surprise by making them have no further ideas. So, if you could do that, I can finally thank you from my heart.
Thank You.
I will pay you tomorrow (August 1) through xoom. I just sent a copy of the spread to the pisay egroup, and I will send the true copies (not jpgs) of both pages tomorrow as well.
Thank you very much.
P.S. Please don't txt Alex Co. ahihi.
_
Btw, did you click the multiply link?
I already xoomed you the payment today (: maybe my real name will show up in there, and if it does I hope my friends would've undergone one hell of a guessing game, especially that all 8 of us have gone blazing different paths from each other. Each one might also think that all the other 7 ganged up on him, creating a series of email confirmations that would lead to one hell of an online reunion.
Thank you, thank you.
Btw, I put a link to a colored sample of our spread down the fake spam mail.
~ Sexy Antisocial Suicide Squad Spreader
_
My beloveds in the eng'g caf: “Ba't mo kami iiwan?! Ang sama mo naman, sobrang mamimiss ka namin!” [English: YOU FUCK WE'RE ALL GONNA MISS YOU ASSHOLE WHY DO YOU HAVE TO LEAVE US?!]
Quoth this raven: “Ano ba kayo?! Ako lang ang mamimiss niyo e 'pano ako? Mamimiss ko kayong lahat.” [English: YOU'RE ONLY GONNA MISS ME BUT WHAT ABOUT ME?! I WILL MISS EACH ONE OF YOU D;]
Some asshole: “Gago Bantolo hindi bagay sa 'yo.” [English: "Gago Bantolo hindi bagay sa 'yo."]
Congratulations. I really admired how you severed your hands from the House of Cards … and made it crumble like the illusion it had always been. In fact it would've toppled over whether with or without that flick of your finger, but you even had the heart to spare the charity of giving this charade a dramatic finale. “O, joy of grand riddance!”
Congratulations for everything else, as well. I noticed you've taken interest in finally Reading philosophy instead of re-Thinking the history of thought yourself. Just a helpful suggestion, from a late-reader like myself: read the neuroscience books I attached, starting from The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat. A friend of mine, an Indian doctor from UCSD told me that that's the only philosophy book he ever needed to read; after reading the book I thought he was right. There's nothing more philosophical than observing the physiological and biological mechanisms of the very clockwork that makes you ask questions in the first place.
I may never see you again for I have no plans of going back. To return would be like seeing Heaven and say “I'm going back.” in the face of god. This pretty much explains why most of our batchmates who left for somewhere else never returned. However, there is always that torturous, nagging ringing of Gary Valenciano's “Babalik Pa Rin” which, to me, seems like a very elaborate form of propaganda. I choose to be cool in the highest standards set by the Empire America than delude myself by being a big fish in a small pond.
I'm currently struggling to be the man worthy of the woman I love, and to be the man able to help any man he deems his friend.
Bye, for now, my friend.
I'm not certain but I remember something about getting a free yearbook with the spread. In that case, just please give it to the first guy who wants to marry me at the homecoming. If they all confessed at the same time, give each of them a yearbook and I'll pay for all of them. If noone did that, I'd like it delivered to my doorstep. In ashes.
You need not do that. This is the only fact you need to know:
I am responsible for everything.
I was a member of the yearbook committee. I committed myself as part of the graphics division, but all I did was ditch all the meetings after the first one … just to play Counter-Strike. When the rest of the committee had come up with their proposals for the cover and layout, I sent them what I knew everyone would think smells like outerspace (in other words, astig). As if rubbing-in salt to injury, I attached my proposal for the yearbook cover together with an equally “eye-kicking” proposal for the supposed “psci.02 website in a very pretentious, pretentiously hostile and pretentiously arrogant email entitled “A Miracle! ” I sent to the group back in November 2002, almost 5 years ago. It contained grossly brutal insults against what I implicitly deemed as “gay” minimalist excuses for absence of imagination.
I wish I could attach the other members 'proposals for comparison, however I consider myself fortunate to salvage two of my babies from my grave (the torturous details of how my digital life of 9 years got sucked by a vacuum of intelligence is another story — - an epic to be told the next time my body starts moving). The yearbook cover, for your curiosity, contains a picture of you, Josiah, dum, me, Morales, George Esleta, Cathy Favorito, Joel Macalintal, Wally Noveno and Ron Yu. The pisay site layout has you, too, and Josiah and dum and me and Morales plus the lovely, lovely J-idol Rena Tanaka.
I got the praises I deserved; I also got more than I deserved and more than what I was personally craving for ( “I didn't get enough attention as a child so Pisay has to pay!” ~ Conan). However, I offended the other members who'd actually done their jobs and, most likely, discouraged them from participating further ( “Why work if you're only gonna get insulted by those who even don't?”).
I got emails from Lopao and from Jemai, about my proposal. They wanted to talk to me, and have a meeting about my proposals. You've probably already guessed what I did, but to congratulate your answer with a confirmation, yes, I said I think Jemai's “simple and clean” concept is all fine by me, and that I am backing out of the committee for my computer can no longer handle other editing programs other than Adobe Photoshop aside from having no more available disk space for heavy editing. These reasons were truth, which makes it all the more insulting ( “Why propose if you aren't even gonna work on it after all ?!”).
The bigger truth is, I was honestly disappointed that noone else competed with me. Noone else dared to transcend the fruits of my labors, of continuous nonsleeping for 48 hours only to shut my eyes involuntarily and unwillingly, to open them again after realizing I'm dreaming, remembering that “left unbeaten, wings are weight.” ~ Bei Shun Tzu, and work for another 48 hours. Of course this is disgusting self-indulgence, a desperate self-flattery. I never wanted to be the best: I only wanted to know what's better.
There. After turning down their urgent pleas to meet with me and plan the yearbook - take due regard of Lopao's divine intervention in here, being a non-yearbook.com member (I honestly admire his maturity, even if I whole-heartedly make fun of him! I wish I could tell him that, but that's not me: Self-consciousness changes the self, a phenomenon similar to Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle - the instant you know yourself, you've already changed) - no news of progress ever surfaced.
Five years onwards, the batch's star section (if only we could just admit it!) Finally took the responsibility. Paying for the spread was but my futile attempt to exchange my thanks, from the currency of the heart to THANK $ xxx. I wish I could still make one for GBG - again, for your curiosity, GBG is an uncanny (d) evolution from the Antisocial Suicide Squad: the inevitable conclusion of the prophecy in I. PISS HIGH (nag-papataasan ng ihi kuno), the same culture of self-preservation through backstabbing (let angels stay as angels and let assholes be forever assholes) in II. THE VIRTUE OF SODOMY, and … just that, actually d: - but, alas, I've ran out of time.
I hope this is compelling evidence to stop you from wasting your time. That Brian quote was a friendly joke, as evidenced by my donation (which was a miserably small sum compared to the weight of guilt I will have to carry while I'm alive). I even volunteered to help with the layouting - no! I'm not gonna propose a BETTER idea that I'd never do anyway, AGAIN! But do read the postscript of this mail for that better idea. hehe - and speed the completion a bit, and maybe edit the badly written write-ups of those who don't deserve it (Morales ', most especially - The Morales? In a thousand characters? That's insanely excessive! ii!! One needs only 7 letters to write his name, after all: the name of the Phenomenon that IS Morales, that which could only be described in words by using his name).
I'm getting a free yearbook (or maybe two, I'm not certain) together with the spread. I told Owen that I'm not gonna claim it, and instead give it to someone else, particularly the first one who'd want to marry me at the Alumni Homecoming. I told her that if nobody does, I'd like it delivered to my doorstep. In ashes. So, in case you're attending - and I think you didn't order one - could you kindly please take it? It's yours. I mean, of course, after noone else vows to marry me, surprise Owen and tell her YOU WILL!! Iii!
—- Non Yearbook-related to the end —
Computational Neuroscience and Artificial Intelligence is the future. The books I gave you will help build a decent introductory foundation to these fields of study, once you take interest in further studies.
It is not so much about me returning than having you guys come over here instead - once you decide, and I would gladly help. To put it bluntly: Filipino Culture isn't worth living for. The dumbing down with the masses, the reverse-snobbery of the Conios when English is the key to the vast expanse of knowledge written in that language to be read in that language. Of course, everyone knows that; all Filipinos do, but you'd be compelled to say it if you've seen it - lived it - face to face and side by side other cultures. Of course, everyone knows that the Third World, Soviet Russia, Communist China, India et al. is the unfortunate bad-end of economic entropy. Of course, the world powers say that “poverty” is an illusion: the poor today enjoys the luxury of the rich fifty years ago; the more brutal truth, however, is that poverty is a luxury compared to, well, compared to death.
Witnessing Imperiale America brought upon me an epiphany equivalent to that of Jet Li's in the greatest film ever made about conceding to a higher purpose: the movie Hero. It's like seeing the faces of all the fathers and forefathers of this great and noble land with the sullen look of sympathy that says, “It has to be done.” and, in turn, see the leaders of the slaves in tears of resigned admiration. My promised land, everything I wanted the Philippines to be ever since I perceived the socio-political realities that were right in front of me all along - in front of Pisay - a land of FREEDOM; that is America.
One small first step upon this land I heard and felt and smelt the blood of my brothers splash under my foot. Another step, I was already frolicking above it. I've read the great novels of the great Russian expatriates who lived in America, Ayn Rand and Vladimir Nabokov, and found them to be the literary equivalent of my every emotions thus I shall quote from one of them for I had barely started my journey to achieve their stature:
“I can say - not as a patriotic bromide, but with full knowledge of the necessary metaphysical, epistemological, ethical, political and aesthetic roots - that the United States of America is the greatest, the noblest and, in its original founding principles, the only moral country in the history of the world. ” ~ Ayn Rand
“I would give the greatest sunset in the world for one sight of New York's skyline,” Ayn Rand wrote in The Fountainhead, “The sky over New York and the will of man made visible. What other religion do we need?” she asked. “I feel that if a war came to threaten this, I would throw myself into space, over the city, and protect these buildings with my body.”
I had this plan (again, a mere plan) to establish a Filipino elitism that treats Filipino as a romantic language, ang dila ng Taga-ilog na itinaguyod ni Balagtas. Like archaic English, it would be limited in words thus rich in metaphor. I had written drafts of different forms of Balagtasan (eg debate through soliloquy; soliloquy that ends with the great, uniquely Filipino expression “nge”; dialogue; dialogue that repeats the other's point but in a different tone; dialogue that, if overlapped, would create a third point of view; et cetera, I've forgotten most of it! i!) to be sung in a form of metal-edged music that exploits the repetitive nature of Filipino words (eg araw-araw, kahabag-habag — - reduplication, in linguistics terms). I already talked about this to Josiah before, together with my plans for the music videos. I just wanted a culture that could compete Globally in terms of cool (noticed how ironic the “Pisay Meets World”, the recent Pisay SocSci YouTube project was? How the world didn't even care to MEET them?).
Speaking of videos, particularly the upcoming Pisay movie … I have nothing but embarassment for this film, for embarassing the whole institution. I haven't seen it, but judging from its pompous, BLANKET self-exaltation of Pisay in its description ( “top two hundred students from all over the Philippines,” “the best and brightest from all over the country,” “those who don't [graduate] are deemed unfortunate victims of natural selection “) I think it will try NOT to show the reality of the squatters themselves (and because the director is gay thus a main character shall be as well in this quasi-autobiography) .
I've dreamed of doing one myself while in Pisay. To keep this supposedly quick reply less long, here's only the beginning: [close-up on eyes with welled tears glowing with the light of flames] [shift view about face towards the squatters area on fire] [shift view about face back to the eyes, now closed, tears falling and slowly zoom-out to reveal he's standing on top of the plow of a bulldozer, and zooming wider more yellow catterpillar bulldozers appear behind him, coming out from Pisay] [shift back to close-up of face with closed eyes, inhales the smoke, exhales while expressing a drug-induced euphoria and he sighs a triumphant "Ahhh. The Philippine Science high."].
I wanted to draw a manga version of this movie, as substitute for a yearbook-five-years-after>-graduation. I thought that, since five years have passed, it's the best opportunity to write the greatest lies and claim as if they really happened, like saying:
Jonathan Lacson: what a deluded chap! A fool of fiction! He insists on everyone that the future of the internet is that each of us will have the opportunity to broadcast ourselves on video, and share any videos we have whatsoever and enjoy the videos of others as well - well, if it isn't the very definition of HELL! That would mean a world where everyone is a comedian, everyone a star. That is the death of society: when everyone speaks and nobody no longer listens. No God would ever allow a tragedy of such biblical scale! Nevertheless, he wants to call it “MyTubester” … LOL! It's all yours, Jo-NUTS.
haha, something like that.
Anyway, I got carried away. However, I was planning (a favorite word. In my world, a plan conceived is a plan already done. Realization is but an expression, and expression is the symbol of loneliness. Someday, I will have the courage to have the honesty to admit that I am but a lonely soul, just like everyone else) to write everyone a much, much, much, much, much longer one in a much more beautiful way. Until then, kindly ask me no questions. I shall be telling only what I want told, and I shall be hearing only what you want heard.
ENOUGH
PS
Don't forget about my yearbook (s). It's for anyone who wants one.
PPS
You don't need to do the investigation. Things like that happen. It's the responsibility of a customer to pay for the reservation of something big like publishing a book. If you really want to go through with it, then only do so after the yearbook's done and distributed.
PPPS
Tungkol sa MLM, sana hindi yan yung First Quadrant ni Kiel. Haha. ( “Para sa mga lolo at lola ko.”)
PPPPS
In the course of writing this, I had a change of heart: I've started to get curious about those details myself. However, I think it's best if you can try to make it appear as if it's just a casual gesture, that you're really simply curious, gaining knowledge for knowledge's sake. Haha, kasi, kapag investigation may premise na merong person to blame for it.
PPPPPS
You may share this mail with Louise.
Please, address me not of a name of a man already dead.
I. .. I no longer have a face to show the batch for my past arrogance, nor will I gamble my heart to play with a God-given second chance to redeem myself as much as crushing hopes, again, guiltless.
There is but one thing you can still trust me with, and that is my curiosity for those details.
There is another thing I wish I can trust you with, a secret: I am TRYING to salvage an AVP from fragments of my dream of my Pisay movie - a sum of disjointed daydreams I've conjured while in Pisay.
I only started recalling all the ideas I had for this movie when you announced it last Saturday; how I DESPERATELY clawed back my past for every trace of this dream! Ii!! In my moments of lesser desperation, when two silent years have crept like the smoke trails of a bullet deadline that had long passed me by, I thought it a LESS CONDEMNABLE move to publish a MANGA of Pisay fiction as substitute for a yearbook-two - years-too-late-with-an-on>line-version-anyway.
Forward a few years along came a faggot with the exaggerated scale of self-importance to represent the name of our fine institution with his narcissistic mirror of his past glory, publicly disseminating pompous, blanket self-exaltation of Pisay in its description, embarassing me, embarassing the few great gay men I idolize, embarassing Pisay.
I INTEND to realize a plan I've already clearly laid out by September 1, and, impressed with the seal of identity that is uniquely mine, there is no guarantee I will. I am not committing to anything this time. Continue as you were, without hope of any help from me. If my plan succeeds, however, I can guarantee you that whatever AVP you would've had by then will not be in vain, for it's gonna be a 5 minute manga music video nobody would mind squeezing in a timeline of homecoming banalities. In 5 minutes, I INTEND to reclaim the honor (and tremendous responsibility) of representing the essence of Pisay through Film from the ghosts of a farcical revolution trespassing on OUR Throne.
In other words:
1. Send me the details ASAP
2. I am not committing to anything.
3. I am dedicating all my efforts in the completion of my planned AVP.
4. Regarding the Batchpage souvenir … if it's easy enough that it won't interfere with my AVP, then you guys had better put more faith in yourselves; I do. You've proven it, and I won't be surprised to see another success coming your way. If it's really not that important and if it doesn't have to mean anything, then attached are two survivors among a hundred of my dead babies I salvaged out of my dead disk of 7 years. They are, both of them, mere drafts, both of them 5 years old but would pass as cute eyecandies if you're desperate. I was proud of them 5 years ago, I am ashamed I was ever proud of something like them, now.
5. I trust that aside from No.2, everything found in this letter remains between the two of us. I don't want to rouse any premature excitement about an upcoming Pisay02 movie in the works underground, because
6. There is no guarantee that I will finish the movie, moreso in time. If I ever finish the movie early, I MAY let you advertise to encourage more people to come.
7. I MAY need the help of others, but I shall be the one to ask.
Remember, this mail is entirely meaningless.
P.S.
Bantay: “Pasulat na l'ang ng pangalan ng clan n'yo.”
[SULAT] PISAY02
Bantay: “Neks mats: Teletubbies at PISAYOZZZZ!”
P.P.S.
The only reason I wanted to help with the layout was for inserting last-minute write-ups of people who do not deserve a bad one. Morales, especially. I've been awake for 48 hours now, inhaling the fumes of ink and oil. My brain has shrunk enough from sleep-deprivation I would soon lose control and let loose simultaneous personalities, the dominant one being my right fist who wants me to sleep already. I hope it's not the one who wants me to sleep forever already.
P.P.P.S.
Remember, do your own AVP while I do mine, which, basically, is yours as well.
P.P.P.P.S.
“Why do I [possess such dedication for our batch]? That is not the question. The question is, does love need a reason? Yes, it does. Is this love? No; it's insanity - and I love insanity. Why ? Because it's a rabbit with a pancake on its head! ii!! ”
“EmbaRRassing”. haha. This just goes to show how the batch write-up would look like coming from me. I'm certain either Lopao or Bojit or either Doval or Doval is better qualified for the job, if only because they have more time than I don't.
Btw, I am scouring google image and multiply accounts for pictures of different places in Pisay, particularly:
1. a lateral view of the bridge over the creek as seen from the front road
2. a view of the field as one sitting on the kiosk would see it, flanked by the humanities building on the left and the grandstand on the right.
3. a view of the cafeteria entrance from the back lobby, showing the architecture of the roof that connects the two.
4. view of one side of the volleyball court from the kiosk, the boys dorm annex at the background.
5. any picture of the humanities rooftop.
6. frontal view of Pisay from Agham road, showing the wall sign, the gate, the guards, the flag pole area and the words Philippine Science High School atop the front lobby.
I've seen these pictures before, No.2 being one of my own but irretrievably gone. I need every picture I can gather that I may simply render them in Photoshop instead of painting everything from memory or basing it on pictures with the wrong angles.
Just in case your group has such resource of images / videos for the AVP I could “share” with, while you work on it as I work on mine.
Yeah, I am hopelessly ambitious. If I ever miss the deadline, there's always another one across the verizon; the last one: my death.
I haven't bothered checking the maximum size you can send on a yahoo email, but just in case you get a mailer-daemon for this account, you can forward it to my gmail.
thanks.
and shutup.
haha.
P.S.
what was that Rizal quote used on the wall in front of Pisay again?
А так же :
Актуальные
проблемы современной детской литературы, периодики, критики
Введение Сегодня в России живет около 40 миллионов детей в возрасте до 18 лет, что составляет почти 27% от общей численности населения. В какой-то мере они являются заложниками проводимых социально-экономических реформ и особенно страдают в ситуации переходного периода, поскольку относятся к наиболее уязвимым в социальном отношении слоям населения.
ОДНОМЕРНЫЕ И
ДВУМЕРНЫЕ МАССИВЫ (ТАБЛИЦЫ)
Массив — это пронумерованная последовательность величин одинакового типа, обозначаемая одним именем. Элементы массива располагаются в последовательных ячейках памяти, обозначаются именем массива и индексом. Каждое из значений, составляющих массив, называется его компонентой (или элементом массива). Массив данных в программе рассматривается как переменная структурированного типа.
Dat+vus fin_lis
Dat+vus fin_lis ("дательный цели") употребляется для обозначения цели действия при следующих глаголах: esse в значении "служить чему-нибудь" или "чем-нибудь": est mihi (aliquid) impedimento - (что-нибудь) служит мне препятствием (препятствует); est mihi (aliquid) curae - (что-нибудь) составляет предмет моей заботы (заботит меня); est mihi (aliquid) cordi - (что-нибудь) мне приятно (букв.
Или тулзы типа YZ Dock(как зовётся их родитель из макоса не знаю).
Коммерческие
банки и их функции
Сущность. История возникновения и функции банков. Значение коммерческих банков в современных кредитных системах столь велико, что необходимо остановиться на функциях этих институтов. Термин "коммерческий банк" возник на ранних этапах развития банковского дела, когда банки обслуживали преимущественно торговлю (commerce), товарообменные операции и платежи.